The Somewhat Stolen Journal of Kylan Peters

[Sydnee]

I'm Kylan Andrew Peters.

I'm twenty-one years old, I am Factionless, I am a musician, I am Abnegation, I am a Stiff, I am lost, I am troubled, I am indecisive, I am a failed Candor initiate, I am a rebel looking for a cause, I am Divergent. And shit...I think I'm in love.

I found this journal lying around, unclaimed in an abandoned building I slept in one night. I have no idea who it belongs to or why they left it. A piece of paper was ripped out from the front, little pieces of the paper left behind. Eventually I found a pen and I guess I'm waiting until it runs out of ink to look a for another one.

I need somewhere to put my thoughts. So whoever had this journal before me, I am sorry. And to whoever may find this some day, I hope I'm already dead so you can't kill me.

[Sydnee]

I normally don't write my thoughts down because well...I used to think they weren't so important. For years I just thought that because I'd become factionless, I was nothing. I thought I might as well be dead. At least, I thought I wanted to be dead. Anything seemed better than this fate.

My first few years here were spent what I can only call brooding. I didn't speak to anybody, didn't really venture out of the one building I isolated myself in. I never imagined this is the life I would live, even though it was a possibility for everybody, but aren't you supposed to hope for the best? I'd like to think I could have passed my initiation to Candor. It was one of the results on my aptitude test. Yes, one of them. The other was Dauntless. And let's just say, I probably would have died anyway if I'd chosen to go there. Besides, I went to Candor more so for my father. Candor is where he grew up and he'd always connected to it more than the others. He was Divergent and...so am I. I'm so hesitant to write it in print, but before I never would have. I was so paranoid of people finding out my secret, so afraid of people in general, that I shut myself off. It was the only thing I could think of to do when faced with the life I had to live.

My father was mercilessly murdered during my initiation and what's more, I began to fear that I was Divergent at that time, fearing that I would speak that truth when I was under the serum. Truth is...I more or so stood up there, ready to confess to all, when I just fought it. Fought it like hell. It was simple really. I failed, just like that. The fear was overwhelming. I didn't want to die, so instead I decided to join the factionless. I still don't understand what I was thinking or if there was any logic involved, but then again, I never would fit into Erudite. And after a while there, I wanted to die anyway. So I didn't really understand why I didn't just tell someone I was Divergent and let them come for me. Would I rather rot away in some gray building? It was funny how the factionless area began to seem grayer than home, grayer than Abnegation when I'd been growing up.

Abnegation is a part of me, but I would never...never be one of them. And as I was starting to realize, I wasn't so sure I was Candor either. I liked my secrets. So, why did my results show that I fit there? And Dauntless...I've only recently began to face my fears. Sometimes I feel like I am factionless for a reason because...I really am factionless. I don't belong, but is that such a bad thing? Should I be cast out of society for that reason? Should anybody?

I've come to terms with this more recently than I have over the years. It took watching a man bleed out on the pavement, as a young Erudite girl and I defended ourselves. I realized a few things that day. One, I didn't have a death wish like I'd thought. And two, I could never be a Candor because I would never spill that I'd killed someone to anybody. Blood was stained on my hands forever, not just hers. I didn't stick around to find out, but I knew I killed the other one. But that night was a blur, mostly because I was dizzy from blood loss. It's shocking that I managed to get by with just getting stabbed in the arm.

This Erudite girl...we are bound by a secret, a burden that ties us together. She was just some prissy Erudite with her book who got off at the wrong stop on the bus route and I was the apathetic factionless guy who acted as if I didn't care to help her and led her in the wrong direction, but things changed when we were thrown together in such a situation...a life or death one.

Besides, that isn't who we are. That is only the label society gave us. And Page has taught me a lot of things. And one of the most important is that being divergent, from Abnegation, and dwelling in the factionless sector are a part of me, but they are not all I am. They do not define me.

And another thing, she's also taught me, to take chances. Because while I've wasted years moping, I can make up for lost time. I will experience life as much as I can, despite the fact that I've been made an outcast.

I've taken a lot of chances lately. And I only hope that the next one, the one I'm thinking of taking, is the right one. Because befriending Page, accepting that guitar from her, trusting her and allowing her to kiss me so feverishly...those risks all seemed to go fairly well. Accept for the most recent one where we sneaked into Amity. It was a good idea at the time and a blast, filled with freedom. But she'd been punished for it.

And so now that her friend Tania has informed me of what happened, I'm taking things into my own hands...well, with Tania's help of course. I am going to be a little bit Dauntless. After all, my aptitude test said I had it in me, but it doesn't matter.

Because while I wear a key to my home in Abnegation around my neck, live here in the factionless sector, harbor the secret of being Divergent and happen to have fallen for a girl from Erudite who is a lot younger than me, I decide who I am.

And I'm going to go see Page. Even if I have to walk around in blue with her snarky best friend who I've barely just met and leave my guitar in a hiding place I've just discovered. Too much has happened for me not to.

Too much has changed in me.

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[Sydnee]

I haven't even been without Page for long. The last time we saw each other, we spent so long in each other's arms, sharing kisses in between the shelves in the Erudite library. It was the last time I'd get to see her in her blues, the last time she would be Erudite. The choosing ceremony was approaching quickly and it was time I faced the truth. Things would be getting harder. We'd be separated, but what else was new? Page and I happened by chance and now we had to fight against all odds to stay together. It isn't fair. I haven't known her for long, but we've already shared so much. I love her. I love her passion, her bravery, her tendency to take charge, the red hair I run my hands through as I kiss her, and the way her body fits against mine. All I can do is believe that this will all work out, even though all I can feel is anguish. That last time we were together, it just felt sad, as if our kisses felt different. They were still filled with passion, but all I could taste was sadness.

I had to tell her of my decision, the decision that has been eating me up inside for what feels like an eternity. I scoped out O:FF, I told the leader that I wanted to join. I was keeping my word. I've been to the headquarters a few times since then, participated in meetings. Factionless are showing up dead, innocents.

I know Page doesn't approve of my decision, she doesn't agree with it, but she will support me regardless. I know she's Dauntless, deep down I do, but I selfishly don't want that faction or any other to tear her away from me. So much for being Abnegation. I've got selfish stamped on my forehead.

I've got to have something to pass the time while Page is in initiation anyway and this rebellion will be it. I'll be doing something productive. I'll be fighting for what I believe in with a group of people who are just as passionate as I am. And in the moments when I find myself thinking of her and I don't know what to do, I'll pull out my guitar and get lost in the music and memories. I have to. If I don't ignore reality, I'll probably waste away. I can't face the things the way they are, I don't want to. It brings me pain to know that my father is dead because he was Divergent, that I'm Divergent and if anybody found out, I could be dead in seconds, that many like me are forced to live like this, that I'll never see my family again, that Page and I are torn apart by a system that is incredibly flawed.

You see Page, I'm not only doing this for my freedom, but for ours. I just want to be free.

It's not only me I'm worried about. You're Divergent, you're headed into your aptitude test and who knows if you'll be as lucky as I was in that respect. They let it go, but I never did. You never do when you're Divergent, it plagues you because if it's exposed, you're as good as dead.

See, we both disagree. You want to go to Dauntless and I want you to just become factionless with me. And then....and then there's me joining a rebel force. We don't agree, but we're letting each other make our own decisions.

And we can only hope they're the right ones.

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[Sydnee]

I've done something horrible. So horrible that I lay awake at night feeling the guilt eating away at me, so horrible that I haven't eaten in days. I haven't even spent the money that Page gave me at our last meaning. I can't bring myself to do so, I can't bring myself to do much of anything.

The choosing ceremony was yesterday. Initiations will start and who knows when I'll see Page. Who knows if Tania has told her what I've done. I don't really know anything, except that I'm surprised Tania didn't want me dead.

I was involved in something horrible. Maybe it was indirectly, but I was still there. I am the reason a man is dead, that he died in his bed in his own home next to his wife. I was there, lingering by the staircase with a knife in my pocket as Tony ascended the stairs. And there was proof that I was there. The guitar pick in my pocket had fallen onto the carpet. It gave me away and of course it landed in Tania's hands.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore, who I am. Sure, I'm Kylan. I'm 21 years old and Divergent. I am factionless. I was Abnegation. My father was killed. I know these things. They're merely facts, but who am I? How can I say that I'm a good person given what I've done? How can I say I'm worthy of Page? Or a better life, one that isn't spent fending for myself in the factionless sector? I joined O:FF because I wanted a change, I want freedom, but I didn't join it to be involved in the murder of others, even if Tania's father wasn't the greatest man. I almost died a few months ago, I could have easily died.

Maybe I should have. Because I can't handle what I'm feeling right now. I'm going insane. Not even strumming my guitar is making me feel any better. It's mostly abandoned in the closet I found to store it in. I'm restless and sick. I miss Page so much. I'm caught somewhere between yearning for her, her skin hot against mine, her lips pressed against mine, the way her hips molded perfectly with my body, and then there's this other feeling...the feeling that I don't deserve her, much less to be alive.

I haven't spoken to Tony. I haven't been back to O:FF. Maybe if I stay away long enough, they'll forget about me. Of course...that's not likely at all. I know too much, if I tell them I want to quit or don't want anything to do with it, won't they have to kill me themselves? Honestly, I don't blame them.

I've betrayed Tony and I've betrayed Page. I also betrayed Tania, and her trust in me, even if she only had met me a few times.

The night I returned from the crime, I got sick in the factionless sector, dryheaving for what seemed like hours. In a fit of rage, I pulled off my necklace, the one that held the key to my home and I whipped it at the wall, hearing it as it clinked against the wall and then fell onto the floor. I haven't picked it up since. It just sits there on the floor, mocking me.

Most of all, I've betrayed myself.

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