Property of Gaige Thomas Ryder

[Sydnee]

This is the not so heartwarming tale of a factionless by failure. Yeah, my life isn't that exciting, it's actually kind of mundane and full of complaints about having to life my life out here rather than where I belong, in Dauntless. But I will always be Dauntless. Nobody will tell me different.

[Sydnee]

Being factionless sucks.

And that's putting it bluntly. I mean, it's not like I've tried to enjoy my time here, but what's so great about it anyway? Especially when you're still bitter about a failed initiation. I was first in line, ranked number one out of all of the initiates and that was my first mistake, succeeding so much at the beginning. This made me a target and the Dauntless born were ruthless when they took me down.

It still plagues me, you know. Nightmares fill my head at night. It's why I don't sleep much, I like to avoid them, but when I close my eyes they're there, even after years. I hate it. I hate being that weak, so weak that I can't get over what happened during my initiation to Dauntless and I can't stop thinking that being factionless was not supposed to be my fate.

Others manipulated my fate.

I've been to Dauntless recently, I sneaked in, jumping onto the train and riding into the compound. I wasn't alone though, at least not the first time. There's this chick. Rya. She kind of acts like a child, yet she's all sorts of tough since she's a Dauntless. She's a fast runner and acts like a toddler at heart. Turns out I'm not the only one who has things to hide. There's something that plagues Rya too, something that makes her distrusting of those around her, especially of those who pursue her. I wonder what it could be, but I'm not going to be an ass and keep prodding her about it. I'm not going to anger her. I can't, not unless I'm joking. She's brought me beer, let me cook in a Dauntless kitchen. (Yeah, I like to cook. Big deal. It was a hobby back home in Candor. I'm pretty damn good at it too. Rya even said so and I'm sure she doesn't like to feed my ego).

Well, I kissed her. I mean, tried to kiss her. Mistake on my part, but I sometimes just do really stupid things without thinking. And this happened to be very stupid, considering she dodged it at all costs. At first I was upset, angry and even offended at what happened, considering I told her something I don't tell anybody, something that shows just how weak I am, that I let myself get overpowered by a bunch of Dauntless borns who wanted to bring me down.

Well, they did it. They knocked me down. But I just need to start not giving a fuck anymore, because what good is dwelling on it going to do me? I can't be Dauntless, but I always will be Dauntless. Fuck being Factionless. It doesn't define me.

As for Rya, I hope to find out more and I hope that maybe someday she'll let me kiss her, actually kiss her, but that's having high hopes.

Oh well.

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[Sydnee]

Yes, I'm writing in this thing again. Is it girly to have a journal? Nevermind, I don't give a fuck. I've just got a lot to say and nobody to say it to.

I woke up this morning with a pounding headache. Normally I have a headache from the nightmares that plague me while I try to sleep, but this time it was different. I didn't have any nightmares. Actually, I slept like a damn baby, but that isn't the point. I had a wicked hangover. The headache was from all the drinking I'd done the night before. I may have been drunk, but I wasn't so far gone that I wasn't aware of what I was doing. For the most part, I like to be in control of myself, and I was...for the most part, but maybe the alcohol did influence me to do what I did more so than normal.

I wasn't planning on kissing her, although I really wanted to. She just drank so much that she was flirting with me, taunting me. How could I not? Anyway, I can't completely blame Rya, because this one is on me. I'm not sure if I made things better or worse between us. After all, she was on watch and we'd went out to the bar, gotten drunk and had a makeout session that I hadn't planned. Would she be in more trouble now? Would I get to see her?

All I know is that kissing her again was the stupidest, yet most exciting thing I had ever done. I took a risk and she wasn't hesitant, kissing me back. Her legs wrapped around my waist and her arms around my neck...I remember the feeling all too well, but I also remember the way she recoiled when I asked the question, the stupid question of if she would regret this when she was sober. It kind of ruined everything, but I had to know. I knew she wouldn't normally do this and so I was curious and she seemed she didn't know what to think and really...I didn't either.

I like Rya. I do. But how the fuck is this going to work? With people watching us, with her so hesitant to let me in, how the hell will it work? I know she's scared, I know it's fear holding her back, but I don't understand where it stems from, but I know not to pry. I get pissed when people pry at me, I'd rather just tell them things on my own whenever the hell I decide I want to, so I couldn't push Rya, but that doesn't stop me from wondering.

It felt amazing to just feel Dauntless and let loose, even playing a ridiculous game of truth or dare was somehow liberating, even if I'd divulged that I was still a virgin to her. It wasn't like she noticed though. It wasn't that I didn't want to, or hadn't wanted to, I had plenty of chances to do so, believe me. And that's not meant to sound cocky. I just never had sex, I don't know why. I guess I imagined getting it on with some Dauntless chick during initiation or something, although...that fantasy was quickly shattered. And now I was factionless and what girl in their right mind would want to sleep with me? It was laughable almost. Nobody even knew that I was a virgin, not even Dai. I never let on that I was.

Anyway, the point of this journal entry isn't to ramble about my lack of a sex life. It's about Rya, about what I did, how I'm not sure what it means for us and how I want to see her again and I'm pissed at everything standing in my way.

I want to see Rya, and I don't really give a fuck about that Kieran Dauntless guard who thinks he's hot shit, or her guardian Avec. I care about Rya. I want to know why she's so afraid and I want to find a way to help her overcome her fear. I think I've already had a good start on it. I think she trusts me, at least more than the average person.

But when she woke up with a hangover of her own did she put the pieces together? Is she repulsed? Is she pissed as all hell at me? I bet angry Rya is sexy as hell...and scary as hell. Guess I'll be finding out if this was a huge mistake or not.

I'm a dick, I know it. I sort of took advantage of her, of the moment, of the alcohol in our systems. But she told me that she had fun. She told me that she didn't want to regret this.

I just hope that was enough.

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[Sydnee]

I can't stop staring at the cover of this journal. It's like the damn thing is beckoning me to open it. Part of me wants to tear it open and devour the words on the pages and the other half of me tells me I shouldn't, that I can't. That whatever Rya wrote in here, she'll be able to tell me when Avec brings her back.

I'm angry. Actually, I'm more than angry. I'm fucking pissed off. Someone took her and while it's part of Avec's fault, he's trying to bring her back, but it still gets me that I can't do shit about this, that he won't let me help and that he's right about Rya wanting me to be safe. But still. I can handle myself. I always could. That's why I've lived this long. I just want to bring Rya back. I want to help Avec.

I'm not exactly sure what shit he's involved in, but he seems to be pretty deeply rooted in it. That's his fault, I guess, but when he drags Rya into it, it becomes my problem as well. I don't care how dangerous it is, I'd gladly go on a suicide mission if it meant saving her life, but then again, maybe I'm a bit insane and maybe Avec did what he needed to do by telling me to stay.

It doesn't change the fact that I can't handle sitting here in the factionless area, in the building that I called my new home, with the crumpled up drawing Rya made me in my pocket and her journal always staring me in the face. It doesn't help that I've barely slept or that I'm constantly trying to convince myself that she will come back alive and holding myself back from running off and doing something completely stupid.

Rya didn't deserve this. And whoever took her will fucking pay. That's how I see it. This place we live in, it's fucked up. And while there are people out there trying to change it, shit only seems to be getting worse.

I'll be sitting here continuing to rot away while everything goes to hell.

Come back safe, Toddler. Stay strong. I know you've got it in you to survive.

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