|
Secrets
Jan 1, 2012 23:26:10 GMT -5
Post by Jess on Jan 1, 2012 23:26:10 GMT -5
"It's Latin," Dimitri said. "Translated literally it means 'remember you must die, remember you have to live.' It's just a little reminder that though we all die someday, the fear of that it shouldn't stop us from living today," he explained, but didn't elaborate on why it was really important to him specifically. It wasn't as though he ever had a problem living. "Though when it was actually used it was more of a 'remember you're still mortal' sort of thing. They'd shout it at people who'd just won wars or battles to keep their egos down," he said with a laugh.
"Your name? Huh. Nice," Dimitri said, though it was about the most boring tattoo idea he could think of. It didn't mean anything, and it wasn't any fun. Perfectly boring, perfectly obvious. Typical Candor.
|
|
|
Secrets
Jan 1, 2012 23:31:08 GMT -5
Post by Admin Courtney on Jan 1, 2012 23:31:08 GMT -5
"Remember you must die, remember you must live," Amberly repeated softly, staring back out at the grounds below them. "That's beautiful. I mean, it's sad when you think about, but it's a really good saying. It kind of wakes you up, doesn't it?" she said, cocking her head slightly to the side. "Keep their egos down, huh?" she laughed and glanced at her cousin. "I know someone that might be fun to shout at." She laughed again when Tyler did not hear her and just looked at her, confused as to why she was laughing.
"Yeah. Nice," Tyler said, now bored. "Well I'm going to go. Not that anyone seems to care," he said melodramatically. "See you, Amb." He smiled at her to show that he was not really annoying with her specifically, and then left.
"Oh, Tyler," Amberly sighed. "He's a character."
|
|
|
Secrets
Jan 1, 2012 23:38:12 GMT -5
Post by Jess on Jan 1, 2012 23:38:12 GMT -5
"It is sad," Dimitri agreed. "But life isn't all rainbows and sunshine," he shrugged. "And if something sad and beautiful like that is what it takes to keep you grounded, is it really all that bad?"
Dimitri laughed, picturing Amberly running after Tyler shouting the ancient phrase. He definitely could use a bit of a wake up himself, but Dimitri wouldn't say anything about it. It wasn't his place, of course. Still, he couldn't help but roll his eyes at Tyler's 'dramatic' exit from the rooftop. "Isn't he charming?" he snorted, cracking his knuckles.
"I get that he's your cousin and all, but how on earth do you stand him?" Dimitri laughed. "I've got to give you props, though. I don't know many people who could tolerate that," he said. "Guess it's an Amity thing, eh?" He had no ill-will towards Tyler, of course, but it was hard to not poke a bit of fun at him after his little stunt.
|
|
|
Secrets
Jan 1, 2012 23:44:50 GMT -5
Post by Admin Courtney on Jan 1, 2012 23:44:50 GMT -5
Life isn't all rainbows and sunshine... Amberly thought about that phrase for a moment. In Amity, they were taught that life could be as close to all rainbows and sunshine if only everyone tried to get along and be peaceful. And because she grew up in the serenity of the Amity faction, she felt highly optimistic about the world around her. It was phrases and moments like this one where she was reminded that not everything went the way one planned, and the way one would hope. Not everything was perfect. Not everything was happy. But she was determined to make her life as pleasant and as peaceful as it was possible.
She watched Tyler go, missing their moment alone, but not regretting meeting Dimitri. He seemed like a really nice guy, and she had not had a decent conversation with a Dauntless before. She was learning a lot, and he was interesting. "He can be," she said in response to Dimitri's comment about Tyler. "It's just difficult to bring that side out of him." Tyler had once told her, in secret of course, that she was the only person able to bring out the softer side of him. He really was like a whole different person. A tolerable one, at that.
She smiled at Dimitri's question and shrugged. "Well I grew up with him, for the most part, though we're from different factions. I know it's faction before family and all, by Tyler and I have always been close. We don't have any other siblings," she added, hoping her explanation wouldn't sound creepy. Calm down, she told herself. Who would suspect what you and Ty really get up to?
"Do you have any siblings or cousins you're close to?" she then asked, steering the conversation away from Tyler.
|
|
|
Secrets
Jan 1, 2012 23:51:50 GMT -5
Post by Jess on Jan 1, 2012 23:51:50 GMT -5
"I suppose everyone's got some good in them. Guess I'm just not his type," Dimitri winked, laughing. He hoped he hadn't offended Amberly by poking fun at her cousin. She seemed like such a nice girl, and he didn't want to upset her.
Dimitri shrugged. "I guess family is different. You learn to love their annoying quirks," he agreed. "And I've got a sister. Alexandra. She's in Abnegation," his stomach did a flip, like it always did when he thought about the year leading up to her departure from Dauntless. "We used to be close. Really close. She actually saved my life," he added. "But I haven't seen her in about two years. My parents don't want me to, and it's not like Dauntless and Abnegation are so buddy-buddy that I can just stroll right in and visit," he sighed. "And, like you said, Faction before Family." He didn't mention how he believed that to be a load of bullshit. Why couldn't you be loyal to both? Or even just yourself?
"Me and Alexandra were inseparable. She's older, obviously, but I always wanted to protect her. Never did a good job of that, of course..." he stopped himself there.
|
|
|
Secrets
Jan 1, 2012 23:59:50 GMT -5
Post by Admin Courtney on Jan 1, 2012 23:59:50 GMT -5
"Oh," Amberly said sadly after he told her of his sister. "Do you miss her?" she asked. She did not know what she would do if she could not see Tyler ever, just because of faction differences. She'd be heartbroken. He was her best friend and her cousin. It would be like a piece of her was taken away if he was. She often wondered what life would be like after their Choosing Ceremonies. But Tyler had promised her that after his, he would never just ditch her like that. For that, she was grateful.
"What do you mean?" she blurted. "I'm sure you did as best as you could protecting her," she added gently, placing a comforting hand on his arm. "But she's not in any danger, is she?" Hopefully that was not what he had meant.
|
|
|
Post by Jess on Jan 2, 2012 0:08:05 GMT -5
Dimitri shrugged. "Yeah, I miss her. Not as much as I used to, I guess, but I still miss her. Especially around holidays and birthdays and stuff," he said. "It sucks, but I guess you get used to it. Until you find out from someone else something big happened in their life-- like Alexandra is married now, and pregnant. I heard that from a friend. That makes it hurt a bit. But it fades," he shrugged again.
"No, no, I'm sure she's fine now that she's in Abnegation," Dimitri said carefully. "I don't need to protect her now, I don't think. At least I hope not. She was just... different before, I guess. I wasn't there when I should have been. Didn't take care of her like I should have," he said, unsure how much he was willing to tell Amberly. He liked her, sure, and he trusted her not to say anything, but talking about it was like ripping a bandage off a still barely clotted wound. It hurt and it started the bleeding all over again. "Something happened because I didn't protect her enough."
|
|
|
Post by Admin Courtney on Jan 2, 2012 0:14:04 GMT -5
Amberly could tell that this was difficult for Dimitri to talk about. Her facial expression softened, not to a look of pity, but to one of comfort. She knew well enough that people did not like to be pitied; sometimes it could feel like you were being looked down on, or judged. But Amberly was never one to judge someone, nor to look down on them. That, at times, was Tyler's job. "That would be difficult to hear from someone else," Amberly said carefully.
She wanted to hug him; hugs always comforted her. But she did not want to startle him or anything. Instead, she slid her hand from his arm and down to his hand, then squeezed it gently. "Dimitri? I'm not here to judge or anything. I mean, you don't have to tell me what happened if you don't want to. But I am a good listener. Even if you don't want me to say anything. Sometimes it helps to get it out though, you know? But it's up to you. I can even just sit here in silence with you, holding your hand like this. Or not at all," she added, wondering if she should have just shut up and should take back her hand right now.
|
|
|
Post by Jess on Jan 2, 2012 0:36:59 GMT -5
Dimitri was surprised when Amberly put her hand on his, but even more surprised when he didn't pull away. He squeezed her hand back, his eyes on the ground below. For a heartbeat he wondered how high up they were. What the fall would be like. If he could land on his feet. If it would hurt. It wasn't that he wanted to jump-- he wasn't stupid enough to do that --it was that he was craving that high you got when you were weightless. He loved the way that you forgot how to feel anything but free.
"When Alexandra was fifteen and I was ten," Dimitri stopped and took a deep breath. "Well, no, I'll start at the beginning," he shook his head. "We always sort of... knew Alexandra was going to leave Dauntless. She wasn't adventurous at all. She'd go out of her way to not take the train because she was afraid of trains, jumping, and loud noises. She hated fighting. She just wasn't Dauntless," he shrugged. "And that wasn't okay with my dad. He's obsessed, really. He and my grandfather disown anyone who leaves. They cease to exist. It's stupid, whatever," Dimitri shook his head again.
"So when she was getting closer to sixteen, my dad got really mean about it. He'd get so frustrated with her that he'd ignore her for days. He'd dump her out by the fence, blindfolded, and let her find her own way home. To 'toughen her up.'" Dimitri snorted, but he wasn't at all amused. "It broke her heart. But my dad didn't care. He would do anything it took to make her Dauntless, the idiot. All he was doing was pushing her farther away from us."
"A week before her Choosing Ceremony, she was hysterical. My dad had hit her or yelled at her or-- I don't know. The nights kind of blur together. She was always crying. It was always his fault," Dimitri shook his head in disgust. "And she left. I wanted to go after her, but it was late, and I was ten. My mom sent me to bed. I could've-- should've --snuck out but my dad told me that this would make her Dauntless, and it would make her stay. And I loved her so much, and I was such a dumb kid, I didn't want to lose her. So I went to bed."
"I woke up later that night because I had to pee or something, I guess. So I went to the bathroom, but the lights were on, so I knocked. No one answered. I knocked again," Dimitri was shaking now. "And no one answered. So I just... figured someone left the lights on, you know?" His eyes watered, but he looked away from Amberly, hoping she couldn't hear it in his voice. "I opened the door and she was just... laying there... in the bathtub. I think there was more blood than water in there. Or it looked it, anyway. She hacked up her arm. And she wasn't moving."
"I screamed, and I collapsed. I remember my dad coming in, but he didn't say anything. He walked back out of the room. I managed to get over to her and I shook her and I shook her. She was still breathing. I pulled her out of the tub," Dimitri cleared his throat. "And wrapped towels around her arms and held them above her head. I tried to pick her up but she was too heavy, so I just sat there and held her and cried."
"Eventually my mom came in and sent me back to bed. She took care of her-- bandaged her arms up and fed her lots of soup and sports drinks and stuff. And no one ever knew," Dimitri finished. "I didn't keep her safe."
|
|
|
Post by Admin Courtney on Jan 2, 2012 0:49:45 GMT -5
Amberly had not been expecting Dimitri to tell her the story, but she thought she would put the option out there, just in case. When he squeezed her hand back, she smiled comfortingly, and said not a word as he began to tell his story. She listened in silence as he told her that his family always knew that Alexandra would leave Dauntless. That her father hated the idea. And that his father would dump Alexandra in random places to toughen her up. Amberly grew really sad for Alexandra at that part. She imagined what it would be like for her own father to do that to her, and shivered with fear. It would be scary, and Amberly would have no idea what to do.
As Dimitri continued, she squeezed his hand again, but did not release the pressure. She did not realise that she was doing so; she was too focused on the story. It all sounded terrible, the lengths that Dimitri and Alexandra's father went to to try to change Alexandra. She sensed when he got to the part of the story she had asked him about, and Amberly kept very still, breathing softly and focusing only on Dimitri. She even forgot they were outside in the cold, and the wind was whipping her hair around her as they sat on the rooftop. She felt him begin to shake and saw that he might be crying. Still, she said nothing. She did not bring attention to it; that would just be stupid and pointless. She could not, however, contain the gasp that escaped her lips when Dimitri got to the part where his sister had cut up her arm.
When Dimitri finished, Amberly pushed all comments about his father away -- it was not her place to voice how angry she was that Alexandra's own father had not helped her when she was dying of blood loss. The fact that he had just walked away like that..." Amberly pursed her lips and then tried to catch Dimitri's gaze.
"Dimitri," she said softly, her voice almost pleading with him. "That wasn't your fault. You were only ten. Please don't blame yourself for that. I doubt Alexandra does." She hoped she wasn't going too far. She knew that when people were upset, they sometimes did not like being told certain things -- even the truth. Especially if they did not believe the truth. But she couldn't help it. It seemed that Dimitri blamed himself in some part for what Alexandra had done that night. "Hey. Look at me," she said, then released his hand and hugged him wordlessly, hoping he wouldn't pull away or reject her words.
|
|
|
Post by Jess on Jan 2, 2012 0:58:54 GMT -5
"He never mentioned again. A week later she left for Abnegation and now if anyone so much as thinks about Alexandra, he gets furious," Dimitri said. "I'm sure some part of him must feel bad... but I think that part is very, very deep," he sighed.
"But it was my fault. I'm her brother. I'm supposed to keep her safe. It doesn't matter that I was ten. I didn't talk to her. I didn't help her. I just shut up because part of me hoped my dad was right and that it would make her stay," he frowned. "I was stupid and selfish."
When Amberly hugged him, Dimitri felt immensely foolish. Here he was, pouring his heart out to a girl he had just met. A girl he knew almost nothing about. Here he was, almost crying in front of her. If dad could see me now... he thought, and almost laughed. But as stupid as he felt, he didn't pull away. He hugged Amberly back, allowing himself one tear. When he finally pulled away, there was no sign on his face that he was even sad.
"I'm sorry about that," he forced a dry laugh. "I have no idea why I told you that. No one but the four of us knew until now..." he looked down at his wrist, tracing the swirling, faded letters with his finger. Dimitri decided that he would find Alexandra and talk to her soon. To apologize, which he had never really done, and to see how she was doing. He needed that, regardless of what his punishment would be.
|
|
|
Post by Admin Courtney on Jan 2, 2012 1:06:19 GMT -5
Amberly was not sure what to say about his father. She had never heard of anyone doing something so extreme to someone they were supposed to love. She saw the good in everyone, though, so she said, "I'm sure he does feel bad. He might just be too embarassed to admit it." She sighed when he referred to himself as stupid and selfish. "I know this is going to sound really cliche and possibly lame, but Dimitri, everyone is stupid and selfish sometimes. Even the Abnegation," she firmly believed. Just as she believed there was good in everyone, she knew that no one was perfect. "You can't blame yourself for it. Especially if no one else does. And I still say Alexandra doesn't blame you. Even though I don't know her. I'll bet she misses you," she added after a moment's pause.
After Dimitri pulled away from the hug, she noticed he had put up some sort of guard, for the expression on his face was one that might suggest the conversation they just had didn't even exist. "I won't tell anyone, by the way," she promised him. She would not even tell Tyler. Amberly then stared down at her hands, wondering if she should change the subject, but came up blank on subjects.
Suddenly, as she looked down over the edge, she felt her heartbeat quicken, and inched back a little. "Do you want to hear something stupid?" she blurted. "This height is really terrifying to me." She blushed at her confession, for a Dauntless probably thought that this was nothing. She wondered how weak she sounded.
|
|
|
Post by Jess on Jan 2, 2012 1:12:55 GMT -5
"I guess you're right," Dimitri muttered. "But I just happened to pick the worst moment to be stupid and selfish," he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "And thanks... I mean, I guess I wouldn't know if you did tell someone, but it's nice to hear you won't all the same."
Dimitri laughed when Amberly said the height was scaring her. She felt so familiar already that he had begun to forget she wasn't Dauntless. He swung his feet around the ledge so he was facing the roof again, not the ground below, and stood. He offered a hand to Amberly. "There's nothing to be afraid of. I wouldn't let you fall," he told her. "But I don't want you to be afraid."
|
|
|
Post by Admin Courtney on Jan 2, 2012 1:20:11 GMT -5
"I'd never," Amberly told him. "If there's one thing I can do, it's keep a secret. Especially someone else's. It's none of my business to spread anything around. I'm not one of those gossip girls," she added, proud of this. She hated those who not only liked to create drama, but to spread it and milk it for all it was worth. Especially at someone else's cost. "So you have nothing to worry about," she added.
She watched as Dimitri suddenly stood, and accepted the hand he had offered her. "Well I'm not that afraid, but it does make me nervous. If it was any windier, though.." She trailed off with a grimace as he helped her up. "Thank you, though. For not pushing me or anything," she added with a smile to show she was joking. She doubted he would ever push anyone off of a roof. It was only when they were standing so close to oneanother that Amberly noticed how much taller than she was. She had to look up at him, but it didn't make her feel small. Not in an insignificant sort of way. She swallowed, suddenly at a loss for words, and looked down away from his gaze. She didn't know if he did so on purpose, but his eyes were intense. She wanted to stare into them, which was why she averted her gaze. She didn't want to freak him out, but the colour was really, really interesting. Moreso than Tyler's, who had intense blue eyes that she envied.
|
|
|
Post by Jess on Jan 2, 2012 1:31:24 GMT -5
Dimitri laughed, letting his hand slide out of Amberly's. "Ah, but we're not off the roof yet, my dear," he winked, lightly shoving her shoulder. "Nah, I wouldn't throw you off," he said, "At least, I don't think so..." he laughed again, softer this time.
Lunch had to have been over by now, but he couldn't seem to will himself to leave the roof. Who cared if he missed algebra again? He wouldn't have minded staying up on the icy roof with Amberly forever, if he was being honest. He would never admit why, though. Dimitri wondered if Amberly knew how long they had been up there, and if she would leave to go to class. He didn't mention it just in case she would. He didn't want to see her go.
When Amberly looked away from him, Dimitri frowned, wondering if he had done something wrong. "What is it?" he asked.
|
|