|
Post by Admin Courtney on Feb 2, 2012 20:56:05 GMT -5
When Amberly finished, she gazed intensely at Dimitri, willing him to say something. She felt frozen in time, and it felt like hours had passed since she had finished. And years had passed since she last kissed him. When things were okay. But then she saw something she never thought she'd see. Something that made her feel lesser than dirt. Tears.
"Dimitri," Amberly whispered, taking a hesitant step towards him. "I'm..." She wanted to hug him, but wasn't sure if he would want her to. He might push her away. Unable to stand it, however, Amberly took the chance and got close enough to wrap her arms around him. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. What else could she say? What else could she do? She had already screwed up everything.
|
|
|
Post by Jess on Feb 2, 2012 21:09:32 GMT -5
When Amberly hugged him, Dimitri remained stiff for several moments. He didn't want to want to hug her back. He didn't want her pity. He didn't want her apologies. He wanted to go back in time to that roof and have her tell him the truth. He wanted to start over. But there was no starting over. They could only move forward from here, wherever that brought them.
Dimitri wrapped his arms around Amberly, willing the knot in his throat to untie and the ocean in his eyes to dry up. It took almost all his willpower to keep himself from caving and holding her too tight or kissing her or telling her he was sorry. He kept telling himself that he had nothing to be sorry for, but seeing her so sad made him think he did. "I'm sorry, too," the words fell out and hung dead in the air. Dimitri didn't know how to fix anything, and the words felt like a band-aid on a cut that really needed stitches.
|
|
|
Post by Admin Courtney on Feb 2, 2012 21:20:03 GMT -5
When she hugged him, Amberly was expecting one of two things. The first was the obvious: for Dimitri to push her away and say he didn't want her affection because she had lied to him and she was terrible. The second was a hope of hers: that he would hug her back immediately and all would be forgiven. However, she was not surprised when at first Dimitri did not react at all. The fact that he just stood there hurt, but she was starting to accept the hurt. She deserved it.
She held him tighter when she felt his arms wrapped around her. Despite all she had done, the simple gesture was something she needed. She knew she didn't exactly deserve the comfort of a hug from him, but it was more than welcome. However, when she heard Dimitri apologise, Amberly pulled back just enough to look up at him. She was frowning, confused. "Why?" she asked fearfully. Was he going to say something that would crush her? "There's nothing you have to be sorry for."
|
|
|
Post by Jess on Feb 4, 2012 11:04:53 GMT -5
Any other time, Dimitri would have laughed when Amberly assured him he had nothing to apologize for. He knew that, of course. The words just felt like they had needed to be said. "I know. I don't know why I apologized," he shrugged, pulling away from her. "It just kind of... felt like it needed to be said. I don't know," Dimitri shook his head sadly. "I don't know."
What does all this mean for us? Dimitri wondered, sighing deeply. I don't want to lose her. But I don't know if I can trust her...
"So what now?" Dimitri asked, his voice soft but firm. He knew, deep down, that whatever happened next was entirely up to Amberly. He knew he was too attached to let go. That much, anyway, was obvious. Any other guy would have run screaming from the barn that night after everything that went down. But Dimitri was still there, still hoping things would be okay. Dimitri still loved her. Though he wished he didn't. He knew he couldn't leave.
|
|
|
Post by Admin Courtney on Feb 4, 2012 13:37:05 GMT -5
When Dimitri pulled away, she felt like he was taking part of her heart with her. What if he never let her hug him again? What if that had just been a moment of weakness, and the next time she tried, he pushed her away? At the fear of that, Amberly had to blink back a new set of tears. Who knew one lie could rip her world apart so much? Maybe the Candor's had it right. I'm never lying again, ever. No matter how this turns out, she vowed to herself.
She longed to embrace him again. It seemed that the more time passed since, the more unlikely it was that he would accept her again. Would he ever forgive her? Even if he did, would things ever be the same? Did she even deserve him anymore? No. She knew she didn't. But that did not meant that she didn't want him. She needed him.
Amberly blinked back more tears until she gave up and let them stream freely from her eyes. At least she wasn't too choked up to speak. "What do you mean 'what now'?" she asked, unable to come up with a plausible answer for that. "I mean, there are a lot of ways for this to go. I messed up," she whispered, bowing her head and snorting bitterly at herself. Messed up was an understatement. "The real question is, do you still... want to be with me?" she asked, taking a chance and looking back up at him. "Is it possible you could forgive me? Or..." She swallowed hard, forcing the next words to come out. "Or are you going to leave for... for... ever," she forced out, then held a hand up to her mouth to control the mess of tears and the aching sobs trying to break free.
|
|
|
Post by Jess on Feb 4, 2012 17:10:44 GMT -5
When Amberly started crying again, Dimitri had to use every ounce of self control he had to keep himself from taking her in his arms and kissing away her tears. I don't think I have that right anymore, he thought sadly. I don't know where we are right now... So he held his ground, his eyes anywhere but at Amberly. He couldn't stand to see her so sad; it absolutely broke him. Dimitri looked down at his shoes, convincing himself that they were the only thing in the universe that still existed.
"I'm still here, aren't I?" Dimitri's voice was barely more than a whisper, and he was still staring at his beat up, old shoes. As much as he wanted to, he would not allow himself to look up. He rubbed his sore hand, wincing as he popped his knuckles. The cracking sounded like gunfire in such a heavy silence. "And I already told you. I'm not mad at you," Dimitri continued almost seamlessly, as if minutes had not passed between his question and his next statement. He closed his eyes, trying to allow the pounding in his head to drown the sounds of Amberly sobbing.
Dimitri felt like he was going to burst out of his skin. He was fighting two parts of him; the logical part, and the part who loved Amberly. Don't move. Hug her. Don't move. Kiss her. Don't speak. Tell her. Don't look up. Don't look away. Leave her. Never let go. Even if Tyler hadn't hit his head, the internal arguments alone would have given him a migraine. Nothing made sense. There was no good or logical choice here.
There was Amberly, and there was the door.
He loved her, but she used him.
He wanted to be with her, but she had cheated before.
They were perfect, but it was impossible.
What do I do?
|
|
|
Post by Admin Courtney on Feb 4, 2012 22:48:29 GMT -5
"You are," Amberly said when he pointed at that he was still there. "But for how much longer?" she added in a whisper that was mainly meant for herself. She watched him through her blurry eyes, feeling a pang of guilt and hurt when he refused to look at her. Was she as hideous on the outside now as she had become on the inside? She never thought she was stunning before, but she knew Dimitri had thought she was pretty. Had he changed his mind? Was she hag-like because she had lied to him? He kept saying he didn't hate her, but Amberly was not sure if she believed that. She didn't doubt his word. She didn't think he would lie to her. But how could he not hate her when she loathed herself.
She cringed when Dimitri cracked his knuckles, hating the sound. She opened her mouth to tell him not to, but why? Because it bothered her? So what? She had no right. She had lost her right the moment she decided not to tell Dimitri about Tyler.
After a moment more of silence (which felt like an eternity), Amberly suddenly felt exhausted. She couldn't stand anymore. She felt weak. So she walked a few paces over to the couch, stepping over the little puddle of blood Tyler had left behind, and sat down, sighing as she did so. She sat in the corner by the arm of the couch and pulled her knees as close to her body as possible, hugging them with her arms. She then rested her head on her knees, her eyes facing away from Dimitri. "I want you, Dimitri," she spoke to the empty side of the room. "I know I don't deserve to have you after what I did, but that doesn't change how I feel. But if you don't want me anymore, I understand." She was whispering now, because her voice was going shaky. "It will hurt, but I hurt you. So my hurt doesn't matter. But I ... I love you. And I don't know what I would do without you. I just want you to know that," she finished, her voice cracking before she buried her face in her knees and concentrated on breathing evenly so as to prevent more tears. Crying, in the end, would make her feel better. She didn't want to feel better if Dimitri chose to leave her. Please don't leave, she pleaded in her own mind. Please. She squinted her eyes shut against her tears, wishing there was noise. It was too quiet in her barnhouse.
|
|
|
Post by Jess on Feb 5, 2012 21:58:32 GMT -5
Dimitri rubbed the back of his neck, closing his eyes. "I guess that depends on how long you want me," he admitted, feeling incredibly stupid. He didn't want to admit to Amberly how tangled up in her he really was. He didn't want her to know how much power she had over him. But he couldn't exactly leave her without an answer. That didn't feel right. He opened his eyes, squinting, but still didn't look at Amberly. He was afraid of how much it would hurt-- both to see her crying, and to simply see her, period. He knew that it would make the images swimming in his head feel even more real.
Amberly in Tyler's arms. Amberly kissing Tyler. Amberly loving Tyler.
Listening to the sound of Amberly's footsteps as she walked away, Dimitri yearned to reach out for her. To take her in his arms and never let go. Yet instead, he felt his knees begin to wobble, and he slowly sunk to the floor, crossing his legs beneath him. Dimitri pressed his palms into his eyes, tugging at his hair. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to cry, but not in front of Amberly.
Dimitri listened in silence as Amberly told him she loved him once again, his throat tying itself into knots. "I want you. I care about you," he breathed. "I don't want this though. I don't want the betrayal and the lies. I don't know this person, Amberly. She's not you. I just..." he sighed heavily. "I don't know. I don't know what to do here, okay? I care about you. I really do. But I'm so... hurt."
|
|
|
Post by Admin Courtney on Feb 5, 2012 22:18:10 GMT -5
Dimitri's words stung, but she knew she deserved them. How long she wanted him? She wanted him indefinitely. As long as she could possibly have him. She never wanted to let him go. But had she pushed him away? "I want you to stay here as much as I wanted us to stay on the school roof two weeks ago," she told him, hoping her voice was loud enough for him to hear. "I didn't want to ever leave that roof, Dimitri. That night was perfect. I was hoping to repeat that here, tonight. Just spending time with you. The way I feel about you hasn't changed." She braced herself when she heard movement, thinking Dimitri was going to leave, but from the sound of it, he had sat on the ground. She wished he had sat with her on the couch. But she didn't blame him for not wanting to be near her.
At Dimitri's next words, Amberly looked up from the couch, and looked at Dimitri. "You're right. The horrible Amberly you've been introduced to tonight isn't me. I've never done anything like this. I never planned to. I never wanted to. It just happened. I got confused. And then I got scared. And I didn't say anything when I should have. I was stupid. I don't know if it counts for much, Dimitri, but that's something I would never do again." She took a breath, calming herself down because she was beginning to sound hysterical. "Dimitri, look at me, please," she said to him, pleading. She wiped the tears from her eyes. "The girl you met on the roof of the school... That's me. It kills me to know that I've hurt you. It really does. And I wish I could take it back, but I can't. But if it was possible..." She shook her head. It wasn't possible, and there was no point in hoping that it was. Amberly shivered, feeling cold. She thought of Dimitri's sweater, which lay upstairs on the back of her desk chair. She always wore it when she missed him. She wished she had it now. "I don't know what to do, Dimitri," she told him, blinking away a new flow of tears from her eyes. "I don't know how to take away the pain I've caused you. All I know is that I want to. I want you to let me try."
|
|
|
Post by Jess on Feb 9, 2012 21:25:48 GMT -5
Dimitri sighed. "I was hoping to repeat that night, too. I don't want to leave. I don't want you to want me to leave," he paused, afraid to continue for a moment. "I love you, Amberly. God, this is just not the way I imagined telling you that. This is not the way I imagined tonight going," he laughed dryly, shaking his head. "But I do. And I want this to work. I really do," he assured her. "If you really do."
Though it hurt, Dimitri looked at Amberly when she asked him to. Her tears felt like a slap to the face. How did this happen? "I have no idea how you'll do it, but no one's stopping you from trying," Dimitri laughed thickly, pressing his head back in his hands. "I want things to go back to the way they were. I need them to."
((OOC: Sorry for the crap/short post. :c))
|
|
|
Post by Admin Courtney on Feb 9, 2012 21:34:59 GMT -5
Hope. He had given her hope. Amberly stood up from her sad little fetal position from the couch and walked over to Dimitri, her eyes on nothing but him. Tears spilled over her cheeks, but she ignored them apart from blinking them away so they would not obscure her sight. "And I love you," she told him, trying not to be too happy that he loved her. She had just hurt him. But the fact that he had said it even after what she had done gave her hope. He wasn't going to give up. "Of course I want this to work. I don't want you to leave, and I want this to work. I need things to go back to the way they were, too. And I'm going to do everything in my power to do that." There was meaning to her voice now -- moreso than before. The hope had made her stronger, and she was not going to mope over this anymore. She was going to take action. She was keeping him. Amberly crouched down next to Dimitri on the floor and took his hands from his head so he'd have to lift it, and hopefully look at her. "Dimitri, these aren't just words I'm saying. They're real. I mean them. And things are going to work out. They're going to go back to the way they were. It's going to be better, even. Because we love each other. And I'm not going to lie to you ever again, no matter what," she said, shaking her head slowly. "I need you, Dimitri," she added in a whisper, squeezing his hands unknowingly.
|
|
|
Post by Jess on Feb 16, 2012 20:33:03 GMT -5
Dimitri offered Amberly a half-hearted smile. He bit down on his lip when she started to cry, unsure of what to do. He wanted to take her into his arms and kiss the tears away, but it felt forbidden. It felt like too much. Like it would rip off the band-aid again or shatter the mending bone. Once again, he didn't move. He held himself so still that his muscles felt stiff and sore. Movement threatened to shatter everything.
"I hope you're right, Amberly," Dimitri told her. "I really, really do. I want this to work. You have no idea how badly I want this to work. How badly I need this to work," he sighed. When Amberly crouched beside him, he found himself holding his breath. Amberly's hands seemed to warm his entire body, traveling through his skin and into his veins, through his bloodstream. He exhaled heavily, feeling a weight lift from his shoulders. Somehow, she could still make everything better.
|
|
|
Post by Admin Courtney on Feb 16, 2012 21:30:26 GMT -5
Amberly let out a long sigh and fell back so she was sitting next to Dimitri, one hand still in his. For a while she said nothing, and just sat there holding his hand, listening to the silence of the room. The room, which was darker than usual thanks to Tyler's work on one of her lamps, felt colder than usual, but warmth from Dimitri's hand and closeness kept her from shivering. I forgot to put the fire on, she realized. She had been so pre-occupied with Dimitri's arrival. I know I forgot something.
"Dimitri?" she said after a moment longer. "Can we start over?" She turned her head to look at him, and pulled her hand from his. "I want to start this night over."
|
|
|
Post by Jess on Feb 24, 2012 12:35:31 GMT -5
Dimitri squeezed Amberly's hand. The action surprised even him, but he didn't show it. He hadn't thought about doing it or intended any meaning in it... it had just happened. Of course, he knew that even though he hadn't intended any meaning in the gesture, it was positively dripping in it. It meant he was sorry. It meant he knew she was sorry. It meant he forgave her. It meant he loved her. It meant that this wasn't too broken to fix.
He wondered if Amberly sensed those unspoken meanings, too, though he didn't dare ask. It felt like asking would erase the meaning. Instead, he curled his hand tighter around hers, slipping his fingers into the spaces between hers. His eyes remained focused on the ground in front of him, as if his life depended on not looking away. Hours passed.
Dimitri felt his heart catch when Amberly spoke again, when she asked him if they could start over. God, he wanted to start over. He wanted nothing more than to start over. This night was supposed to be perfect. They were supposed to be perfect.
They could be perfect again, couldn't they?
"I want to start over, too."
|
|
|
Post by Admin Courtney on Feb 24, 2012 23:29:19 GMT -5
She felt his hand tighten around hers as he squeezed it, and Amberly felt a weight lift from her. It was funny how a simple gesture could mean and affect her so much. He was accepting her presence again; he was not rejecting her. He didn't want to leave. He didn't want to leave her. At least, not completely. She looked at him and smiled, her smile a mixture of too many emotions to count. She still felt awful for what she did and what position her decision had put her and Dimitri in. Had put her and Tyler in, as well. She had wedged a rock into their relationship. One that would take the both of them some time to push off a cliff and be rid of it forever. If ever.
When Dimitri too said that he wanted to start over, Amberly smile broadened and she pushed herself off the floor, then dusted off her skirt even though the floor was clean -- it was just habit. "I'm glad," she said, extending her hand to Dimitri. It was not that he would need her help getting to his feet if he wanted to. She just didn't like the look of him sitting on the floor so broken. Plus her hand missed his, and if they were going to start over, they couldn't do so from sitting on a cold spot on the hard, wooden floor.
|
|